Friday, August 13, 2010

Loneliness 101

So, I have decided that every time I feel myself falling down into that bottomless pit of loneliness that haunts me day and night, I'm going to write. I don't know exactly what I'm going to write, but I'm going to either pull a chair up to my laptop or pull my notebook out of my purse and jot something down. It makes me feel not so lonely. Maybe it's the sense I get that I'm actually talking to someone. I feel almost like, even if no one ever stumbles across this blog, I have an audience somewhere even if just in my own head). Perhaps this is my way of sending my thoughts out into the universe. A garbage dump for negative thoughts and a bullhorn for my positive ones. At least that's what I'm hoping it will be for me anyway.

It will be nice to have a place to put my thoughts where I can keep them somewhat organized (the same way one organizes a bag of rocks- pretty much in whatever order they come out).

I feel like my dependency on other people is my greatest weakness. I need the approval of others more than I need approval from myself. Maybe it's because I care so much for others that I have deluded myself into thinking they might feel the same about me? Maybe it's because I only feel I'm worth someone's time when I can provide absolutely for them (you need $150, sure I can give it to you, don't worry about paying me back). I've given so much of myself to other people that I don't have much left for myself anymore. That's why I feel this exercise in being alone is going to be beneficial. I will hopefully grow back the parts of myself I lost and be able to provide for only myself, make myself happy for once. Perhaps that sounds selfish to some people, but it's really not. When you are flying, they always give you a speech on safety procedures, they tell you that if there are pressure changes in the cabin and those bright yellow masks fall from the ceiling, you are to put yours on first and secure it before you help the other people around you. Because if you can't breathe and you pass out from lack of oxygen, you're of no help to anyone. It's the same in life; if I can't take care of myself, I sure as hell can't take care of anyone else.

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