Green with Envy; And That's Putting it Nicely

I'm trying to be uplifting and positive right now, but it's difficult. Part of it is because I just don't feel well and that always dampens my mood. The other part of it is just seeing so many people who are in love around me. It seems like every day more and more of my friends are getting engaged and married, and as happy as I am for them, I can't help but be jealous. And actually, it's slightly more than jealousy I feel; I get this overwhelming urge to scream in pure rage every time I see someone's status on Facebook change, or everytime I get another phone call with the exciting news.

I feel like a complete bitch. I should be nothing but happy for everyone.
They've found their soul mates! And in this day and age when everyone is struggling through life, it's amazing to see people still so content in love and romance and commitment. But still, it makes me want to gauge my eyes out with rusty spoons and then douse them in gasoline and set them the hell on fire. That's how jealous I am; it physically pains me to see people in love. How sick and twisted is that?! I shouldn't feel so bitter and jaded, but I do. I can at least admit that.

I should mention that it's not always that I react this way- 85% of the time, I am happy and excited (I LOVE weddings!). The other 15% of the time though, I'm a dark and brooding figure who wishes to suck the souls of everything in love so I can hoard that feeling for myself.
That's not selfish at all, right?

I started contemplating joining a dating site again, but I refuse to fall back to my old ways of trolling websites and setting myself up for disappointment. I have about another month to go to complete my 90 days of "being alone" and I don't want to ruin that for myself either. I can do this and I will do this. I just hope I don't start turning green with all this envy... that would take SO much makeup to cover up!

Facebook and Jealousy

I'm not sure what's worse right now- the fact that I can't sleep, or because I can't sleep, the fact that I've been trolling Facebook. I think both are equally as bad. I love and hate Facebook all at the same time. I love it because it's a great way to keep in touch with friends from high school and college, but I hate it because everyone feels the need to put everything on it. And once you start trolling or "stalking" people's pages, it's easy to convince yourself of so many awful things. That's part of why I stopped trusting my ex- everything he put on facebook was always responded to by all these women I had never known he was friends with in real life. (Also, the fact that even after dating for 2 and a half years, he never once invited me out with his friends, so I have no idea, to this day, who they are anyway.) After seeing all these random women commenting on his page, I had convinced myself that he was seeing at least 2 or 3 of them on the side... turns out I was right anyway. Score one for me.

Anyway, I had a show tonight and, as always, I'm hyped up after the show ends so I'm wide awake until 4 am because there's so much adrenaline coursing through my body. Ugh.

Also, tonight at the show, one of my friends had a special friend in the audience. It's this guy she's gone on a couple of dates with- he came to see her show and they went out afterwards. She texted me later telling me that he finally kissed her. I actually do feel genuinely happy for her, because she totally deserves someone amazing in her life- but there's also a part of me that's bitter. I wish I could get over that. I think I'm partially bitter because I'm jealous. I mean, I'm an awesome person! I would do just about anything for anyone- so why can't I find someone just as awesome who wants to be with me? Is that really too much to ask for? Right now, perhaps it is.
I will just have to take that little jealous person inside of me and lock her away in the attic of my mind; gagged and bound so she can't cause any more trouble for me. Ha! If only it were that simple, right?

But this takes me all back to the point of my little exercise- learning to just be with myself. I think loneliness has gotten such a negative wrap over the years, and that needs to change. So what if I'm single? That doesn't mean I'm not awesome or attractive or dateable, it just means that right now I'm not with someone. Why do we, as a society, view that as such a deplorable thing? I know that the basic instinct for most animals (humans included) is to mate and reproduce to ensure the survival of the species. However, if we can come so far in science and technology and hundreds of other things, why does it seem such a far leap that being single is not a sin? Is it really that hard for us to comprehend? Being single, or alone, should not make one a leper. I don't have any diseases, there is nothing wrong with me, it just didn't work out with the last person I was with, so now I'm enjoying some "me time". It's not a crime, so it shouldn't be treated like one.

But, maybe I'm just biased...