Monday, October 11, 2010

Green with Envy; And That's Putting it Nicely

I'm trying to be uplifting and positive right now, but it's difficult. Part of it is because I just don't feel well and that always dampens my mood. The other part of it is just seeing so many people who are in love around me. It seems like every day more and more of my friends are getting engaged and married, and as happy as I am for them, I can't help but be jealous. And actually, it's slightly more than jealousy I feel; I get this overwhelming urge to scream in pure rage every time I see someone's status on Facebook change, or everytime I get another phone call with the exciting news.

I feel like a complete bitch. I should be nothing but happy for everyone.
They've found their soul mates! And in this day and age when everyone is struggling through life, it's amazing to see people still so content in love and romance and commitment. But still, it makes me want to gauge my eyes out with rusty spoons and then douse them in gasoline and set them the hell on fire. That's how jealous I am; it physically pains me to see people in love. How sick and twisted is that?! I shouldn't feel so bitter and jaded, but I do. I can at least admit that.

I should mention that it's not always that I react this way- 85% of the time, I am happy and excited (I LOVE weddings!). The other 15% of the time though, I'm a dark and brooding figure who wishes to suck the souls of everything in love so I can hoard that feeling for myself.
That's not selfish at all, right?

I started contemplating joining a dating site again, but I refuse to fall back to my old ways of trolling websites and setting myself up for disappointment. I have about another month to go to complete my 90 days of "being alone" and I don't want to ruin that for myself either. I can do this and I will do this. I just hope I don't start turning green with all this envy... that would take SO much makeup to cover up!

1 comment:

wojo said...

I've certainly been through that feeling. Everything you see seems to be about couples - Facebook statuses, songs on the radio, things on the shelf at the store, everyone around you is holding hands. It's almost like you can't avoid it. It's perfectly healthy to be jealous; you are what you are. For me, it took finding happiness in who I am as a single person (not as a person in a relationship) along with lots of blocking people on facebook and changing the radio stations constantly. haha You'll make it through.