Frustrated

Ok... I admit it... you caught me...

I may have given in a little bit... 

But I promise it's the last time until Saturday!

I'm supposed to be enjoying my rest week, but the stagnation of not doing any exercise is killing me. So, I met my friend Tina at the gym this morning and did an hour walk on the treadmill. I kept the pace real low so I didn't over exert my legs, but it felt so nice to be doing something.

This leads me to my emotion of the day:

Frustrated [fruhs-trey-tid] adjective:

1. having feelings of dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment

My frustration is with more than just the lack of exercise. Part of me feels like I didn't train hard enough or well enough. It's not something that I can't go back and change, I mean, I can't fix all of the random things that got in the way of my runs. And I know it's my first half marathon and that I've only been running for a year, but I was hoping I would be slightly faster or that my endurance would have increased more. (In retrospect though, considering I couldn't run more than 0.25miles before stopping before, my endurance has increased a lot- but I'm still averaging a 15min/mile at my best.) 

These are normal concerns right? I'm not just losing my mind or over-worrying am I? I'm trying to maintain my positive feelings, but I felt I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't include this emotion today as it is VERY much present in my mind. 

On a happier note, my Sparkle Skirt from Amy @Pumpkin to Princess came in today!! Expect photos soon!

Anticipation

Today's emotion of the day is Antici.....

...........pation!

(See what I did there? Made you anticipate the end of the word. Genius, right? Bonus points if you can catch the musical movie reference I stole that from)

Source

*Ahem*  Moving right along....

Anticipation [an-tis-uh-pey-shuhn]: Noun.  

1. Realization in advance; foretaste, 2. expectation or hope.

I am FULL of anticipation about this race. I keep wondering about weather conditions, the race course, the fans on the side, what the medal is going to look like, if I can keep up with one of the pace coaches or if I should just go my own, how my stomach is going to do, if I can make it up the hills, will I need a medic, will I be the last one to finish, can I actually DO this? Ahhh! So many things to think about! But, despite any negative thoughts that sometimes pop into my head, I also anticipate crossing the finish line and having an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment. My finish goal is 4 hours. I know a lot of people who finish in 3 hours or so... I don't care. I'm aiming for 4 hours. If it takes less time, power to me, but I want to set a reachable goal for myself. 

I'm also trying to decide if I should run with or without a watch on. Sometimes I feel like having the watch on is helpful because I can work a pace and time how long my walk/run breaks are, but then other times I feel like I'm utterly chained to my watch and timing myself. Double -edged sword I guess. Any thoughts on that? I know you're not supposed to change anything up for race day, but it's a thought I'm playing around with for right now. 

Going back to my emotion of the day- my feeling of anticipation seems to be a positive emotion as well. I picture myself crossing the finish line, and beating my 4 hour goal. I just have to hold onto this feeling and not let fear/doubt/anxiety creep in come race day.

Oh! And in answer to Kurt's question on my last post, yes, I will be running with music on. I will only have one headphone bud in, but I want to have my own music because I've learned what songs pump me up the most. Maybe in another year or so I can learn to run sans music, but for right now, I feel it's a good option for me.

Emotion vs. Emotionless

I don't know the official count off the top of my head, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's been about 3 weeks since I decided to be alone. Although, I suppose alone is a rather inaccurate word. I haven't barricaded myself away in a room somewhere with only food, water, and a computer. No, I mean I've been alone, as in single. And by single, I mean not in a relationship where I feel I have to always put the other person before me. How do I feel about this? Honestly? It depends on the day. If I said I was 100% fine all of the time, I'd be deluding myself and the point of this endeavor would be lost.

I feel it's okay to admit that I'm not always fine. This isn't a movie or a best-selling book - it's my life and it's far from perfect. And I'm starting to realize that that's okay. I'm starting to realize that that's okay. What fun would life be if it was always perfect? There would be no appreciation for passion, happiness, contentment, or creativity. If there was no boredom, depression, worry, destruction or any of those ugly, nasty negative things we go through on a daily basis, the pleasant emotions would cease to exist. Or rather, they wouldn't have the same meaning or impact as they do now. They would become the norm. I mean, think about it, if there were no bad guys, would society really need the police? Or would they just end up being every day, ordinary, run-of-the-mill people?

Whenever we experience a negative emotion, there's usually always guilt attached to it; it's part of what makes us human. We feel guilty for crying in despair and not being stronger. We feel guilty for getting angry and blowing our top as opposed to keeping calm. We feel guilty when we do something selfish. And as awful as those negative emotions are, we shouldn't have to always feel bad for experiencing them. Emotions are life; without them we would be no better than an empty corn husk.

I'm not saying we need to latch on to these negative feelings but rather acquiesce to the fact that we are human and we have a wide range of emotion that it is okay for us to experience from time to time. Embrace the negative for a few moments, recognize that it's okay to feel how you feel, and then figure out how to let it go. Remember that from the bad, we grow a new appreciation for the good.