Wake Up Call

I was persuing facebook earlier today and a friend of mine posted a link to this article HERE.
She also posted a quote from the story with the link that caught my eye:

"But also that so many people deal with this, this exact and pervasive struggle at whatever size they are, whatever shape, whatever they do. That we're not good enough, with the implication that the best we have to offer to the world is an appropriately sized pair of jeans."

I thought, "Whoa. I kind of want to read this!" So I opened the article and was blown away but what this woman had to say! To summarize; the writer once weighed 300lbs and was going in for weight loss surgery. She lost 180lbs but still was not happy with her appearance because although she treated, what she thought was, the problem, she hadn't really addressed the main issue of soceital pressure to be perfect.

I don't know how many of you fellow readers are considered overweight, fat, fluffy, obese, chubby, stuffed, curvy, plus-sized, Athena, etc. (and you don't have to share) but I am. I am a size 16 and all my life I have been called all those names and more. I've struggled for years to get my weight down and become an acceptable body image- that's part of why I started this blog, it's part of why I started running to begin with.

Over the past few months with working tons of hours, training for my half marathon, and getting engaged, I've done a lot of thinking. Yes, I would LOVE to be skinny for my wedding. I would LOVE to walk down the aisle in a size 6 dress and have everyone oooh and aaah at me, but I've come to realize that that is not who I am. I am a bigger girl, it says so right in my blog name, and I'm a runner. And after reading this article, I've come to realize that I am a healthy person- I eat well, I drink mostly water, and I exercise on a regular basis. I've run 3 half marathons and countless 5k races- and I'm still a size 16.

There's another quote from this article that I love because it's the revolutionary idea that no matter what dress size you wear, you can still be a happy and healthy person. The writer says, "I want this: I want to say, don't love yourself even though you're not perfect - love yourself because you have a body and it's worth loving and it is perfect. Be healthy, which is perfect at whatever size healthy is and at whatever size happy is."

So many of us continue to struggle to lose weight- some people do it to be healthy and to save their own lives, but most of us just do it because if we become skinny, then everything gets better. Skinny is magical. Skinny is acceptable. But why? I'm not going to stop eating healthy or exercising, but I am going to transfer my (sometimes obsessive) focus from losing weight to being happy.

Because, let's face it folks, we only get one life to live- might as well make it the happiest we can.

Getting In My Own Way

I had a revelation while running this morning.

I've heard that happens sometimes, but I usualy have such a hard time focusing on just one thought in my head as I run, that I've never experienced it before today. I was struggling through a short 3 mile run- pounding headache, upset stomach, tired legs and back- it was awful. And all I kept thinking to myself was, "I suck at this.", "I can't keep a pace and I can't run more than a mile before I have to stop.", "Why am I trying to run a half marathon? I'm never going to be ready." It was like this the ENTIRE run. Just one negative, berating thought after the other. I finished my run and moped back up the hill to my house, kicking myself all the way for not having done better.

And, that's when I realized why my training has been SO horrible this year. I've lost the joy of running. I am the reason I haven't been running- not work, or family, or weather- just me. I've been so critical and harsh on myself that I just can't enjoy my runs anymore. I mean, Wowsers! Talk about a negative rainstorm on my running parade!

If we look back at my runs this year; the ones where I went out with no mile or time goal were my best runs. Why? Because I just let myself run and enjoy it. I wasn't focusing on time, or pace, or ratios, or anything else. I just popped in my Yurbuds and ran for the sole purpose of running. On my shorter runs, where I was trying to make myself go faster or farther, I self-sabotaged. I became so focused on making myself run and run and run, all while being negative about it, that I got in my own way and created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have to try and break myself of this habit. (Especially before my half marathon in 30+ days.) I need to relax and find my joy factor again, otherwise I'm going to self-sabotage myself during the big race and I definitely don't want that! How can I do this though? How can I go out and just enjoy my runs again when all I can think about is how unprepared I feel for the upcoming race? It sucks. On one hand, I know that my finishing time doesn't matter, just the fact that I finish. But, on the other hand, I'm so competitive with myself that I'm going to be so distraught if I don't meet or beat my finish time from last year.

If I can just get myself to stop obsessing and stressing, I might be able to meet my finish time from last year. But, honestly, I just want to be able to go out there and run and have fun and enjoy the race. I don't want to have to worry about time and pace and all that stuff. So, the big question is- how do I make all the noise in my head stop? (Besides turning my music up louder.) I wasn't planning on running tomorrow morning, but I think I may go out for a short run, with no watch on, and just run. It's finally started to get cool out in the morning, I even had to run with a jacket on this morning, and I love this kind of weather, so why not go out and enjoy it, right? However, I'm still open to suggestions on how to combat that big-mouthed, negative voice in my head.

Expansion and A Slightly New Outlook

I've been crazy busy lately (what else is really new?), but in between work, rehearsals and sleeping, I've managed to squeeze a bit of contemplation about a few things. I've been SO happy lately. Let me explain: not only do I love the new place I'm working at, and the show I'm rehearsing and all of the people involved in it- BUT! I'm also just more content in general. I've found myself more into the holiday season than I have been since I was 8 years old. The family gatherings, the festive lights and music, the overall message the holidays bring just makes me smile! I used to be one of those people who could watch a heart-touching, holiday movie and not shed a tear. Now I find I have to keep a box of tissues around me whenever I turn on the television! And I'm not crying out of jealousy or sadness... just tears of connection and happiness. It may sound extremely odd, but it's the truth. I'm just THAT happy with myself and life right now. My 90 days of Being By Myself was such a success that I've decided to do a couple of things:

1. continue with my blog and my "being alone" as I had originally planned.
2. expand my blog to encompass not only keeping myself happy, but also keeping myself healthy.

I've decided to incorporate fitness and nutrition into my blog. My goal is to update daily, which is going to be a challenge with my busy schedule, but I figure if I can record my daily fitness and nutritional feats, I can continue to provide myself with mucho motivation.

I have new goals for the continuation of my blog as well. In regards to my "Being Healthy" status, I want to be a size 16 come the end of January and a size 14 come the end of March. I'm relatively close to a 16 already, and with the running, and now dancing, that I've been doing, I see these as very realistic goals.

Also know that I plan on posting motivational things, healthy recipes, fitness routines, things I've accomplished, etc. It's a no-holds-barred blog now :)

Back on Track

I believe I mentioned (possibly a few times) that I'm training for a 5k run. Well, I took a little under 2 weeks off because I wasn't feeling well and life just got very hectic for me with performances, trips, rehearsals, interviews, etc. Anyway, I got back on track today and started week 4 of the 9 week program. I'm up to running 16min out of 30min. Not too shabby! If I'm honest, I didn't make it through all of the last 5 minutes I was supposed to run, but it's my first day back so I can let it slide. The next two days I run there will be no slacking though!

Here's what I did today for exercise:

Week 4, Day 1 of c25k training- Brisk 5min walk warm up, run 3 min, walk 90sec, run 5min, walk 2 and a half min, run 3 min, walk 90sec, run 5 min, walk 5 min cool down.

After I finished the training program, I was at 2 miles, so I continued walking/running intervals until I ran a whole 5k. I finished in 48min, which is roughly 15min/mile. YAY!!! My time has dropped- I used to run a 16 1/2 min mile.

On top of this, I also found a really fun circuit training program in my Fitness magazine. It was designed by Bob Harper, one of the trainers on Biggest Loser. It's a circuit training that targets abs, arms, shoulders, butt, back and legs. It's really easy to do, but I felt the burn and worked up a sweat while doing it. You can see the workout here: Right to Bare Arms.
I highly recommend it :)

A side note- I found this watch in my Fitness magazine as well and I really want (and it's only $20!!!) S2H.com

On another happy note, I just got hired for a second part time job. I will be working at Bath and Body Works at my local mall. I'm excited! I worked there when I was in college and I really enjoyed it so I'm glad to be hired back. Plus, it's still a relatively flexible schedule as I'm only a seasonal employee and it provides me with more income for the holidays (on top of an awesome discount at the store, which is where I will probably end up getting everyone's gifts hahahaha).
I was also recently cast in another show: Chicago.

Things are looking up for me. I've been keeping a positive attitude and going after the things I want out of life. It seems to be working, if current happenings are any indication.
It's true what they say- think positive thoughts and positive will come back to you!

Absent

Ok, I know I've been rather absent from my blog recently, but I've been keeping myself busy.
Anyhow, it's been about a month and a half since I started my blog and I can honestly report that I'm feeling much better about almost everything. I find myself not obsessing over if I'm getting text messages or responses to facebook. I enjoy spending time with myself and I've really come to like running. I really like getting into a stride on the treadmill and just losing myself in the music.

I do have to step up my gym routine though, so I made a fitness binder. I put in a lot of magazine articles with tips, recipes, and routines in the binder as an easy/quick reference guide. I'm going to try and do a different thing every day. I also got the Shake Weight (insert your laughter here) but I like it. It feels weird at first but I'm eager to see what results will come from it.

Tomorrow I'm helping a friend move so I will get in some weight lifting and cardio- but I also have a running session to complete as well. Woot! I've been very motivated by how my clothes are not fitting me anymore. They're all getting big on me and I love it! The best motivation is seeing and feeling results. Same goes with my loneliness- even when I do feel lonely, I don't mind it as much as I used to. That feels great as well.

And now, a fun quote from a great book:

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

Bucket List

A few days ago, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to try and run a leg of a triathlon with him next year. Now, for anyone who knows me, you will recall that I only run when being chased (say by a vehicle, or a dangerous animal, or perhaps by a massively monstrous person wielding a deadly weapon). Suffice it to say, running is NOT my forte, but having had some time to mull it over, I realized that training myself to run and actually participate in that leg of the triathlon would be a HUGE accomplishment for me. You see, I'm a rather competitive person and being in a race would probably be a blast but I just don't feel that I'm athletic enough to do so right now. So, I've vowed that I'm going to work towards getting myself in shape to run, and finish, that race.

This vow spurred a whole new slew of thoughts that actually made a lightbulb go off in my head. Have you ever seen the movie Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman? It's about two terminally ill men who make a list of things they want to do before they "kick the bucket". I soon came to realize that running in a race is an achievable goal for me but is something I have never really put the time or effort into trying to do. And I said to myself, "Self, you're never too young to make a bucket list of your own and start crossing stuff off, right? So why not have at it?"

I've officially made my own bucket list- things I want to do before I die, things that I only dreamed I could accomplish, things that will make me happy and proud of myself. It's not necessarily a long list, but it's meaningful, and I can always add more if I want to do so.


Here it is:

1. Run a race of some kind. Whether it is a marathon, part of a triathlon or any version thereof, I want to run, and most importantly, FINISH a race.
2. Travel to Italy to meet my family over there.
   
3. Go on a cruise.
   
4. Live/work in the Maldives.
5. Audition for a Broadway show. I don't care if I get cast or not, but one day I will say that I auditioned for Broadway!
6. Help a complete stranger. Something more than holding the door though.
7. Learn to speak Spanish and Italian.
8. Capture the perfect shot (photo).
9. Go shopping on Rodeo Drive.
10. Take a cake decorating class.
    
11. Work in a bakery - most specifically on cupcakes.