Getting In My Own Way

I had a revelation while running this morning.

I've heard that happens sometimes, but I usualy have such a hard time focusing on just one thought in my head as I run, that I've never experienced it before today. I was struggling through a short 3 mile run- pounding headache, upset stomach, tired legs and back- it was awful. And all I kept thinking to myself was, "I suck at this.", "I can't keep a pace and I can't run more than a mile before I have to stop.", "Why am I trying to run a half marathon? I'm never going to be ready." It was like this the ENTIRE run. Just one negative, berating thought after the other. I finished my run and moped back up the hill to my house, kicking myself all the way for not having done better.

And, that's when I realized why my training has been SO horrible this year. I've lost the joy of running. I am the reason I haven't been running- not work, or family, or weather- just me. I've been so critical and harsh on myself that I just can't enjoy my runs anymore. I mean, Wowsers! Talk about a negative rainstorm on my running parade!

If we look back at my runs this year; the ones where I went out with no mile or time goal were my best runs. Why? Because I just let myself run and enjoy it. I wasn't focusing on time, or pace, or ratios, or anything else. I just popped in my Yurbuds and ran for the sole purpose of running. On my shorter runs, where I was trying to make myself go faster or farther, I self-sabotaged. I became so focused on making myself run and run and run, all while being negative about it, that I got in my own way and created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have to try and break myself of this habit. (Especially before my half marathon in 30+ days.) I need to relax and find my joy factor again, otherwise I'm going to self-sabotage myself during the big race and I definitely don't want that! How can I do this though? How can I go out and just enjoy my runs again when all I can think about is how unprepared I feel for the upcoming race? It sucks. On one hand, I know that my finishing time doesn't matter, just the fact that I finish. But, on the other hand, I'm so competitive with myself that I'm going to be so distraught if I don't meet or beat my finish time from last year.

If I can just get myself to stop obsessing and stressing, I might be able to meet my finish time from last year. But, honestly, I just want to be able to go out there and run and have fun and enjoy the race. I don't want to have to worry about time and pace and all that stuff. So, the big question is- how do I make all the noise in my head stop? (Besides turning my music up louder.) I wasn't planning on running tomorrow morning, but I think I may go out for a short run, with no watch on, and just run. It's finally started to get cool out in the morning, I even had to run with a jacket on this morning, and I love this kind of weather, so why not go out and enjoy it, right? However, I'm still open to suggestions on how to combat that big-mouthed, negative voice in my head.

Where, Oh Where, Has My Motivation Gone?

I'm depressed.

That about sums up the past few days of my life. I have no real reason to be depressed- my boyfriend is amazing and probably the sweetest guy on the planet, my job is time-consuming but fulfilling and fun, my family and friends are all healthy, finances are starting to straighten out... so, why am I depressed?

Because, despite all these other wonderful things, I've lost my motivation to do anything.
I've kept up with my bikini body boot camps, but I haven't done any other workouts. LAME.
I go to bed every night and think "tomorrow I'm going to get up and run", I even set my alarm and lay out my clothes. But, when that buzzer goes off, I reset my alarm and go back to bed. I can't seem to drag myself up and out. Not even down to the living room to do a quick workout video or anything. Ugh! I'm so frustrated with myself, I could seriously spit!

I keep giving myself little goals:

Run 50 miles and I will treat myself to a full body massage.
Get under 200 and I can have a shoe shopping spree.
Run any distance today and have an ice cream.

But, nothing seems to do the trick. I even keep trying to visualize different things to get myself going:

Being skinnier for my 10 year high school reunion.
Being a size 14 for 2013.
Losing another 10 pounds for summer.

Nothing. It's as if my brain gets what I'm telling it but my body refuses to take the message.
*sigh* I don't know. I'm at a loss. I was excited a bit yesterday because I bought something in a size 14/16 and it felt a little lose, but then some of my old clothes don't seem any bigger on me. And this morning I hopped on my boyfriend's scale. It said I had gained 15 pounds. I burst into tears. He tried to console me and tell me that the leg on one of the sides is broken so the numbers are wrong, but I know it's a lie. How did I gain 15 pounds in 2 weeks?! It's not like I've been stagnant- I'm still always up and about with work and rehearsals. I haven't even been eating as much because I don't always have the time to eat. Maybe that's part of the problem- maybe my wacky eating habits are killing me.

Either way, I just feel as if I worked so hard to get down to 207 and now this. I'm taking gigantic steps backwards and I don't know what to do. Even now, I just want to cry. I want to go to the gym while I'm still angry at myself but I'm literally working/rehearsing until goodness knows when tonight. And I want to wake up early tomorrow for a run before work, but I know I'm going to be exhausted.

Please help.