Where, Oh Where, Has My Motivation Gone?

I'm depressed.

That about sums up the past few days of my life. I have no real reason to be depressed- my boyfriend is amazing and probably the sweetest guy on the planet, my job is time-consuming but fulfilling and fun, my family and friends are all healthy, finances are starting to straighten out... so, why am I depressed?

Because, despite all these other wonderful things, I've lost my motivation to do anything.
I've kept up with my bikini body boot camps, but I haven't done any other workouts. LAME.
I go to bed every night and think "tomorrow I'm going to get up and run", I even set my alarm and lay out my clothes. But, when that buzzer goes off, I reset my alarm and go back to bed. I can't seem to drag myself up and out. Not even down to the living room to do a quick workout video or anything. Ugh! I'm so frustrated with myself, I could seriously spit!

I keep giving myself little goals:

Run 50 miles and I will treat myself to a full body massage.
Get under 200 and I can have a shoe shopping spree.
Run any distance today and have an ice cream.

But, nothing seems to do the trick. I even keep trying to visualize different things to get myself going:

Being skinnier for my 10 year high school reunion.
Being a size 14 for 2013.
Losing another 10 pounds for summer.

Nothing. It's as if my brain gets what I'm telling it but my body refuses to take the message.
*sigh* I don't know. I'm at a loss. I was excited a bit yesterday because I bought something in a size 14/16 and it felt a little lose, but then some of my old clothes don't seem any bigger on me. And this morning I hopped on my boyfriend's scale. It said I had gained 15 pounds. I burst into tears. He tried to console me and tell me that the leg on one of the sides is broken so the numbers are wrong, but I know it's a lie. How did I gain 15 pounds in 2 weeks?! It's not like I've been stagnant- I'm still always up and about with work and rehearsals. I haven't even been eating as much because I don't always have the time to eat. Maybe that's part of the problem- maybe my wacky eating habits are killing me.

Either way, I just feel as if I worked so hard to get down to 207 and now this. I'm taking gigantic steps backwards and I don't know what to do. Even now, I just want to cry. I want to go to the gym while I'm still angry at myself but I'm literally working/rehearsing until goodness knows when tonight. And I want to wake up early tomorrow for a run before work, but I know I'm going to be exhausted.

Please help.  

First Race Jitters Part 1.

As it stands now my first ever half marathon is about 2 weeks away. 

Source

AHHHH!!

I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm starting to freak out. I feel like I'm just not prepared enough. I mean, I've been running my behind off.... almost literally.... but a part of me is convinced that I didn't train hard enough. I'm still only averaging a 15 min/mile or so for anything over 4 miles. Ugh. I was hoping to finish as close to 3 hours as possible, but I think my PR is going to be finishing under 4 hours. Blah.

I know, I know... I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's my first big race, I've trained hard, I know I can run/walk the distance and it's supposed to be fun. But it's so hard to squash the competitive part of me that wants to be perfect. I realize it's going to take me a good couple of years before I increase my endurance and speed to a point that is anywhere near most people, but I'm impatient. I want to run fast now! *pout*

Ok... I'm done venting for the evening. I need to go to bed so I can start my7 hell of a long week, which includes, but is not limited to: working two jobs, applying for other jobs, rehearsing, performing, zumba, training, occasionally sleeping and eating. Woot! Bring it on world, I'm ready to tackle it all!

And Winner for Worst Blogger Goes To...

This kid.

:(

I'm so sorry I haven't updated. I've been dog sitting for a friend and I can't access their internet. That, combined with work and rehearsals, has had me down for the count. So, even though I've said it before, I am a blogger fail. Please have mercy on me and dig deep down within yourself to find some forgiveness and keep reading my blog! I swear a super awesome update is coming soon.

Here's a preview of what I will be posting about:

-funny things other people have seen while running
-another Blogger award I was nominated for (thank goodness it can't be taken away haha)
-another give away
-raising money for my half marathon charity and how YOU can help (hint: this will be combined with the above)

Get excited... I will be back to posting in NO time... and it's gonna be FABULOUS!!!